In 1998, I sat down in my stylist’s chair with an image of Gwyneth Paltrow with the pixie lower she made widespread within the movie Sliding Doorways. You might bear in mind the movie; in it, Paltrow’s character’s life splits in two. In a single model, she makes the subway because the doorways are closing; within the different, she doesn’t. Within the model the place she makes the subway, she arrives residence early, actually sooner than her boyfriend expects, to seek out him in mattress with another person. She leaves him, cuts her hair quick, begins a brand new life. Within the different model, she returns residence as deliberate, holding her lengthy hair and her illusions.
My stylist first staged a mini-intervention. She informed me that whereas she may give me that haircut, it will not look precisely like Gwyneth Paltrow as a result of I didn’t have Gwyneth Paltrow’s hair. I did it anyway. She was proper.
Anytime I get my hair lower, then and now, no small a part of me believes {that a} new me is about to emerge. Then the following day, I understand it’s simply me… with a hair lower. It’s a tough lesson: You’ll be able to enhance and alter. However you might be nonetheless you. With highlights. A brand new job. A bolder lip.
Final 12 months, I ended a four-year relationship with a person, a NYC police officer. It was the longest relationship I’d ever had. And that was lengthy sufficient. I’d lived alone for 25 years and guarded my time and independence. And so I used to be sincere with him from the leap: I had by no means lived with a person and had no intentions of residing with one now. However he had beliefs, too, about how love would change an individual, and if not, {that a} gradual and predictable merging of lives was inevitable. However the fact was, I used to be nonetheless me… with a boyfriend. I known as it off, maybe later than I ought to have.
They are saying you possibly can’t simply flip a change and resolve to be homosexual. And to be honest that’s not precisely what occurred: I’d had sturdy emotions for various girls over time — kissed my finest good friend in faculty, developed a crush on a people singer in my 20s, even slept with a couple of bored, bisexual wives in my 30s — however thought-about them occasional feverish exceptions at finest.
In spite of everything, I’d dated males all my life and by no means questioned it in any possible way. Nor did anybody else. And that is how the thought of who you might be can set in: zero proof on the contrary. Even the ladies I did discover interesting for causes I couldn’t articulate appeared to strengthen my heterosexuality: I used to be so straight, I used to be even interested in girls who appear like males.
Yeah, that’s not what which means.
A month after my breakup, and apparently, every week after I officiated my associates’ homosexual marriage ceremony — coincidence? — I flipped my courting search to girls. Simply to see.
Many of the profiles didn’t attraction to me. After which I noticed her: a girl with a bleached pixie lower, a wing of blue hair over her eyes. She seemed much less like a girl and extra like a nymph, a fairy who’d seduce you in a yellow wooden and maintain you as her lover within the stomach of an previous elm for 100 years.
We matched. I gave her honest warning that I used to be the final particular person she ought to meet. First off, I used to be not homosexual — and what’s worse, I had simply damaged up with a long-term boyfriend.
“If I have been considered one of your pals,” I wrote, “I’d inform you to run.”
We met for espresso anyway. Then every week later, for brunch. I felt like I used to be making use of for a job I used to be not certified for. We kissed shyly on the nook of 72nd and Broadway, and I trembled the entire approach residence.
“Do you want her?” my good friend requested. “I imply, do you need to date her or buy groceries along with her?”
I didn’t know. A part of me believed there was no lesbian on the planet who would take me significantly. How may they? After I had so a few years of males to account for?
The blue fairy texted me the following day and mentioned I’d been on her thoughts. “I used to be considering of your hair,” she mentioned. “I prefer it.”
“Why don’t I come over tonight?” she mentioned.
“Certain,” I replied. “Ought to I make dinner?”
“Let’s skip dinner,” she mentioned.
SOS, I messaged my associates: “She’s coming over in an hour and we’re not having dinner. All caps. THERE IS NO DINNER.”
“You’ll be superb!” they informed me. “Have enjoyable!”
She arrived at 6 p.m. I needed to climb down from the ceiling to reply the door. I do know you don’t drink, I mentioned, however I’m going to want one.
I shook a grimy martini almost to demise within the kitchen after which sat beside her on the sofa. It felt like swinging each legs over a fence and making ready to leap.
After which she kissed me. I’m going to strive to withstand all hyperbole after I say that it felt like I had simply surfaced from ten leagues underneath the ocean. As if I’d by no means breathed earlier than, and would by no means get sufficient air.
The subsequent day was April eighth, and I do not forget that as a result of it was the day of the photo voltaic eclipse. And whereas Manhattan wasn’t within the path of totality, the sunshine went down like a dimmer change, the colours flattening to sepia tone. My good friend Kim and I have been sitting on a wall within the park, taking turns peeking on the solar by these flimsy glasses because it waned to a vibrant cuticle.
“So, that is taking place,” she mentioned. “Proper?”
It appeared a gross understatement to say sure. After all, sure. I had by no means felt extra sure.
A couple of minutes later, the solar waxed to fullness, the colours returned, however nothing seemed the identical.
After I say I “got here out,” it’s not like I’d been harboring a secret. Extra like I’d stumbled upon one thing unbelievable, like a unicorn in my kitchen. How did that get there? What do I do with it? After which wanting to inform each single particular person I ever knew about it.
I can’t communicate for all late-in-life lesbians, however I believe I had it fairly simple. After I informed my associates I used to be courting girls now, it was like I’d proven as much as brunch with bangs. They’re like, Whoa wasn’t anticipating that, however what’s vital is that you just like them.
Folks have been additionally fast to provide me an out — saying issues like, “You might not be homosexual, it’s possible you’ll simply be in love with this particular person.” However I didn’t must be shielded from it. Homosexual felt proper. It’s like saying, perhaps you similar to this omelette; it might not imply the rest.
No, fairly certain I like eggs. Interval.
I fell so head over heels for this blue fairy, it shocked me and everybody else. Me, who’d all the time been traditionally gradual to say the girlfriend mantle and loath to let go of my single standing. Sure, I wished to be her girlfriend. Proper now. When she talked about presumably transferring out of her house 10 blocks from mine, all the way in which to Brooklyn, I used to be inconsolable.
I used to be totally different with my girlfriend than I’d been with any man: mild and accommodating, handled her like glass. I informed her she was the one one for me, and I believed it.
Perhaps this was my downside! I wasn’t aloof and dedication phobic — perhaps I used to be simply homosexual. And now that I used to be embracing who I used to be, certainly this is able to repair all the pieces.
However deep down, that a part of me who’d all the time apprehensive I wasn’t good sufficient, adequate, fairly sufficient, merely had a brand new worry: That I used to be not homosexual sufficient. That I used to be solely homosexual due to her, that I used to be merely… homosexual by affiliation.
It didn’t take lengthy, a month or two, for pink flags to emerge and for the blue fairy to disclose herself as a grasp manipulator. In July, issues constructed to a frenzied state: She accused me of getting the “mistaken attachment model”; I accused her of asking for greater than any particular person may give. We have been in all probability each proper.
the place that is going. It ended as quick and furiously because it started. It was essentially the most excruciating breakup of my life.
My complete life, my worry of dedication had boiled all the way down to the assumption that I’d disappear right into a relationship with a person and stop to exist. And what should be blamed for me anguish now was that I believed if I let her go, this homosexual model of me would associate with it.
It took me some time to acknowledge that I may and would nonetheless be homosexual with out this particular person. That what I used to be actually crying about was the lack of one thing I couldn’t really lose: myself.
I didn’t want a girlfriend to be homosexual, and I additionally didn’t have to vary. Briefly, I used to be nonetheless simply me… with a brand new sexual identification.
A 12 months later and I’m comfortable to report that I’m nonetheless right here. I’m nonetheless homosexual. Identical hair; new day.
Terri (proper) along with her sisters.
Terri Trespicio is the creator of Unfollow Your Ardour: The way to Create a Life that Issues to You. Her TEDx discuss, “Cease Trying to find Your Ardour,” has been considered greater than eight million instances. She earned her MFA in inventive writing from Emerson Faculty and lives in Manhattan. She can also be the founding father of The New Guidelines Studio, a reside writing workshop for getting your work accomplished.
P.S. “What 9 films and reveals with homosexual characters meant to me,” and the “little homosexual home” in Portland, Oregon.
(Illustration by Julia Rothman for Cup of Jo.)